Today, we buried my mom
Today we buried my mom. It was a final step in the completion of her funeral. I think of this month and a half so she was moved into the hospice home as quite a journey.
The day we (my sister and I) drove Mom to the hospice house was probably the hardest day yet. I felt like we were driving her away to say goodbye. I knew the place was going to take very good care of her, I knew she was ready to go, but the act of bringing her there was not an easy one. The next day at home I just had a complete anxiety attack. Not the first in my life, but definitely in the top 5 worst ones I’ve had. When I think about that morning, and needing to call my husband because my brain was so overwhelmed and I felt like I was suffocating, I was at a loss. I knew it was going to be a long road ahead as we watched my mom transition, and I felt like I abandoned her. But I sucked it up and went to work because that is what I thought was expected of me and I needed to stay busy to keep the thoughts away.
Since that day I’ve done my best to stay busy or surrounded by people. I would have moments of sadness, but if I just kept going, the darkness and thoughts would stay away. Anytime I’m alone or quiet or start to be still, the thoughts creep in. The thoughts of seeing her so small in bed, not the way she wanted to be, the sights of her final breaths, reliving calling loved ones to say she has passed. And then it hurts. So I keep those thoughts at bay.
But the more I think about it, why? Why let the thoughts stay at bay? It is only doing more harm than good. I’m angrier than I usually am, I have less patience, I can’t sleep because I haven’t allowed the sadness through all day, so it comes out a night like an evil nightmare.
Then I start thinking about how everyone expects you to be ok. They expect that you're strong and confident and can’t see another way. Cause I mean, why can’t you pull yourself together. So I put that out there. Of course I’m fine. I got this. Only this time, I am having a hard time convincing myself.
She lived a long life, she was ready to go, yes I get all of that. But it still hurts. This is the woman who has raised me for 30 years. She is the one who was there when my life fell apart at 9. We may have had disagreements, differences, or butt heads, but she was still Mumma. I was still her Mutt Mutt.
People are going to continue sharing how wonderful their 2023s were, all their accomplishments, photos with filters because that is the way they feel they look good enough to post (yup I’ve done that too), and that is all ok. I am proud of you for everything good that has happened in the last day, week, month, and year. But social media doesn’t just need to see the good moments. We need to start normalizing that it is ok to see each other in our sweats on the couch having a bad day. It’s ok to not post every moment making it look like you are living large and in charge. It’s ok to post a photo without filters or even your hair done and makeup applied. Those moments are the reality no between. Social media has allowed us to edit way too much out of what people see, and therefore has skewed our perceptions. I am going to take 2024 to heal. Heal with my family as we start this new road without mom, without having her to call on my way home from work, without having her to call when some creepazoid walks on my property, and not having her here to celebrate Dale’s big birthday this year. Those are the thoughts in my head. Those are the thoughts that make me miss her so hard. And thats ok. Thank you Demi Lovato for normalizing “It’s Ok to Not Be Ok”. Help me to #NormalizeBadDays but sharing the in between moments that are not always perfect in 2024. I’m not saying all I’ll share are sappy weepy posts. But there is going to be more about recognizing the need to take care of your own mental health, maybe some ways you can help yourself and others, and then of course, there will be those happy posts too.
